I haven’t posted in months, I haven’t been inspired till tonight.
Disclaimer: This is going to be really sappy and personal soooo fair warning to the curious bored strangers on the internet . Also, I’m just writing off the cuff and this is too much for me to re-read lol.
I’ve recently had a week of intense introspection about my relationship and it’s a peculiar story of how it came around. You see, Miss Swift dropped an album a little over a week ago, it’s called Lover. My boyfriend has banned me from speaking of Mother Swift, yet somehow I’ve managed to maneuver each conversation back to her. He doesn’t dislike her or anything, but it seems to be all I’ve been talking about to him, so instead I’ll type it #Loophole.
Firstly, let me just say this ALBUM is….a piece of ART which deserves an entire post dissecting each song…which I may or may not do depending on my work load.
I mean at first I was a little skeptical what this album would be like with the release of her single Me!, by the way RIP “Hey kids spelling is fun” (2019-2019) *if you know, you know*, you will be missed. After You Need To Calm Down and The Archer, I still had no idea of the direction she was heading with this body of work, but I was already so invested. Then Lover the single was released and I listened to it and cried on my bed for like two hours straight…and this is why.
Musicians and songwriters, are some of the most talented artists and poets to grace us, the ability alone in taking emotions/ experiences and transfiguring it into words, a melody or song that perfectly emulates an internal feeling that some of us have but can’t begin to understand is a GIFT.
Sometimes when you read a particular poem, or listen to a song, it’s only then you recognize your own feelings, maybe you never noticed it before, or maybe these mental states associated with our nervous system that make us feel fright, anger, love, hatred, anxiety etc are too all consuming for us to begin to digest. It’s as if our emotions are a blur to us, it’s a picture we are looking at up close, not knowing we need to take some steps back to see what it really means.
Hence a song, a simple rhyme, a string of metaphors, are able to neatly package what we feel, we can listen to the instrumentals and hear the words, they’re outside of us, being told to us, being played to us, being sung to us and then it becomes accessible.
So that brings me back to my main point, Taylor wrote a song about a timeless love. She sings:
“We could leave the Christmas lights up ’til January
This is our place, we make the rules
And there’s a dazzling haze, a mysterious way about you, dear
Have I known you 20 seconds or 20 years?
[Chorus]
Can I go where you go?
Can we always be this close forever and ever?
And ah, take me out, and take me home
You’re my, my, my, my lover”
And when my boyfriend reads this, I bet you’re annoyed so far but you love a Swiftie…haha don’t worry your mood is about to change. Our anniversary was a while ago and I feel as though I still haven’t conveyed enough how much I love you. I listened to this song and all I could think about is you, and how it is as though before you, I never really understood what love feels like.
Right now we’re the furthest apart but I wish to be where you are, “can I go where you go?”. So many miles away and so many days without seeing you, still you’re the closest in my heart, “can we always be this close forever and ever?”. I can’t imagine going back to my life without you in it, from the moment I met you it just felt like it was right. Of course, I was hesitant, scared even, I’ve been through some things that made me feel like I wasn’t worthy of love, and I was even told at a point that I didn’t deserve it. So when you came into my life, I felt like it was fated. It wasn’t easy but I will always remember that night sitting outside on a bench, streetlight above us, people walking by but I felt like I was locked inside our little bubble. You told me you were leaving again for school in a few weeks and you didn’t expect to be feeling this way. Was it crazy to think we’d make this work?
Why did it feel like I’ve known you forever? I wasn’t looking for love, but you found me. You tell me every day you’re my best friend and that’s all I’ve ever wanted. I’ve been searching for my person but in you I’ve found my family.
“We could let our friends crash in the living room
This is our place, we make the call
And I’m highly suspicious that everyone who sees you wants you
I’ve loved you three summers now, honey, but I want ’em all”
In life if you are fortunate to experience true love, sometimes you might be scared to call it that, I know I was. When you feel something so rare, you are just more terrified of losing it. I feel as though this love, needs to be protected. I rarely post about my boyfriend online, I don’t invite comments on my relationship in real life, because I don’t need it, “This is our place, we make the call”. I’m happy if his friends and family likes me, and I’m grateful that my own likes him, but at the end of the day when it comes to us, all that matters is him and I.
As I’ve grown up, I’ve learnt certain things must align for people to be compatible. Younger me would believe love is supposed to be intense passion, even chaotic sometimes but I’ve surpassed that immature outlook. Love is supposed to be safety, security, the slice of calm in a chaotic world. The passion I feel doesn’t come from dramatic fights, or being at each other throats but from an overwhelming feeling of unconditional love and attraction because I feel so accepted and understood.
Some days we wear a blank mask, you may go to school or work all day, you interact with the world, sometimes you feel like you’re on the outside. You’re a stranger in a sea of faces, swimming and sometimes drowning alongside other faceless strangers, and mostly no one notices. But when you come home, the one you love sees past it all, your world becomes one person in those moments and just as suddenly as when you felt so small, carried by the current, you’re now floating above the gentle waves hand in hand with your lover.
I don’t blame my shortcomings on my past in particular, I blame them on my insecurities, I can get paranoid, I can get jealous, these are qualities we often don’t like to admit we have. Yes, I want to be the confident girl and somedays I am and somedays I’m not. There are days where my relationship requires more patience because of this.
I can’t imagine you ever hurting me, but I’m still so “highly suspicious that everyone who sees you want you?” I know someone might read this and think run away from the crazy possessive girl but please don’t lol. I think it’s more that, I see what an amazing man you are and any girl would be damn lucky to have you, yet you want me…you want me? It baffles me still.
“I take this magnetic force of a man to be my lover
My heart’s been borrowed and yours has been blue
All’s well that ends well to end up with you
Swear to be overdramatic and true to my lover
And you’ll save all your dirtiest jokes for me
And at every table, I’ll save you a seat, lover”
And sometimes I wonder, how the forces in the universe has a bigger plan for us. Destiny cannot be messed with. There has to be something at work, everything happens for a reason, kismet happens. We go through life not knowing where we are going to end up. If you feel lost or alone right now, just know I’ve been there but, we have to experience pain, we have to give ourselves to others to be broken, we have to pick up the splinters and rebuild, till we find that right person. Life involves sifting through the motions, the *highs*, the lows and everything in between. And that’s what I did till I found him and I’d experience every heartbreak in my unlucky love life prior to meeting him because in the end, “All’s well that ends well to end up with you”.
Therefore, I appreciate every past relationship I’ve been in, because it was necessary for my growth and at that time I could have sworn it was love (and I don’t diminish it) but this amazing man I am with has changed my life, “My heart’s been borrowed and yours has been blue”.
I’ve never had someone who balances me out so well, when you start to fall in love with someone, how do you realise? Is it the big gestures or little things? For me, it was the moments he probably doesn’t even remember. But those are my moments that mark sacred new beginnings.
One tiny example of such a moment:
I am well known for being a bit “overdramatic”, one day there was a huge storm and the water started rising by our neighbours, I was panicked and I texted my silly guy who said something along the lines of oh “wow baby getting a pool”. It was such a small moment, and probably careless joke but it made me laugh out loud, and as it turns out nothing happened, my house was fine. And, that’s what he does, he makes me realise that sometimes it’s better to calm down, to take things easy and every day he battles with me on this because my mind is one that jumps to worse case scenarios constantly, yet he doesn’t falter in grounding me. He truly is a “magnetic force of a man”, I’m so drawn to him, after a year he still pulls me in every day and it hasn’t waivered or weakened and perhaps, I’ve never been the most religious but now I find myself praying to God it never will.
There is nothing I go through without thinking of you. The moments that compose our lives are a song in of itself, the leading choruses (the big achievements, the big tragedies), or the steady percussions playing in the background (the everyday experiences), I want you there for all of them and I want to be there for all of yours, “At every table I’ll save you a seat”. All my moments and all your moments, soon will become our moments when we spend the rest of our lives together. That’s all I could wish for on every 11:11. I love you. See you…soon enough D.D.S.R xx
My Millennial Dilemma 